Don't think about tomorrow - tape 2

I walked all the way from the GT Toyota Center at UP to Technohub just to kill time. Call it a deviation from the unpleasant to make sense of things. It's Friday after all, and I don't believe that there should be anything to be done on a Friday night, let alone anything that wants to get done.

I've been trying to loosen up, this week most frequently. Just trying to feel how things are like when they are not so cramped up within the tiny lobes of my brain, or when I could not feel the slightest tinge of fear run down my nerves anymore. Maybe then, things will not be so bad.

So UP.

I have this volume of Childcraft encyclopedias, which delighted me as a child. I never read them. At that time, I couldn't yet. I was drawn first to the pictures. I'm talking about 80's to early 90's Childcraft: definitely not new photos now, but not completely old either. I loved those photos. I still do. I especially loved pictures of houses in forests, countrysides, hills, and what people do in them. They're all so simple, yet whenever I look at them, I wanted so badly to be in those pictures - in that exact situation, at that exact time frame. It was magical to me.

This afternoon, UP and its expanse of land - the shadows of branches on red bricks, the rustle of leaves in tune with the cold whistle of the monsoon, the range of woods beyond every lamppost - all laid out those photos in front of me, displayed them within my reach as though they were real, alive. I was living in them.

The sun is setting.

I had wondered before how things would be had I been allowed to take the test in UP, and had I passed. I realize now that that doesn't matter. Fact is: I don't know, and I will never know because it never really was a dream. I could never really transform it into one, try as I might. I feel at ease knowing that this is the only perspective in which I shall see UP. Best that I not ruin the illusion that I have of it as I had destroyed my previous dreams.

I was there this afternoon, just walking, taking in the reality of being there, and yet never actually making it. I felt magnified by time, scooped up by its hand, cupped into a feeling of security. It's okay, it seemed to say. Everything will be all right.

I'm okay.

It got dark eventually. The lampposts could only give ample light for writing, but I wanted to stay. I just wanted to be there. It was exactly childhood, that simple and that real. That beautiful and breathtaking memory of childhood to which I could never serve justice. I want to return to it, to be coupled by the greenness of being a child. I'd live there forever, I swear to god, if I could. I'd give anything to have it back.

It would take me an hour to find my way out.

So was I once myself a swinger of birches.
And so I dream of going back to be.
It's when I'm weary of considerations,
And life is too much like a pathless wood
Where your face burns and tickles with the cobwebs
Broken across it, and one eye is weeping
From a twig's having lashed across it open.
I'd like to get away from earth awhile
And then come back to it and begin over.

- Robert Frost

Don't think about tomorrow part 2

Alas-4 ng hapon. Sa Unibersidad. Ang patak ng ulan ay pagdabog ng mga paa sa tansong bubong. Sabog ang Wembley Song mula sa sirang earphones; bumabalot ang mga salita pati sa labas ng tainga - dumideretso sa heart.

Halos limang oras na sa silid-aklatan: iniisip kung lumalago ba ang aking mga kaalaman. Kung, ayos lang ba na huwag nalang munang asikasuhin ang mga dapat asikasuhin. Kung, tama bang pabayaan muna ang mga bagay o mga tao na gusto kong tulungan.

Ewan. Basta.

Ayos lang ako.

------------

Pineapple juice ng Jollibee. Egg McMuffin. Computer shop nang sobrang aga/sobrang gabi. MS Publisher. Nagmamadaling takong sa bato-batong daan. Loading station. Bangus ng Mang Inasal. Kape. Laundry. Takbo rin sa gym ng kolehiyo para hindi ma-late sa Social Dance. Kaunting street food. Kahit ang karimarimarim na amoy na umaalingasaw mula Bayleaf hanggang dorm. Puro ganyan.

Parang masarap yatang balikan ang pinanggalingan ng mga gunitang ito.

Balita ko kasi, wala nang trapik.

2012-2013 - Mga nawawalang litrato

Awww, practice na sa graduation. Nakakalungkot namang lumakad pauwi sa dorm na umaalingawngaw ang "We are the men from Old Letran" sa bawat padyak ng paa mo (March 2013).

Yun ang masarap!

Yung bumibili ka lang naman talaga ng dalawang large fries sa McDo para makagawa ka ng ganito (January 2013).

Bumili ka pa ng Koko Krunch cereal kasi may free CD ng larong Hot Wheels. Tapos, isang beses mo lang lalaruin yun sa computer, talo ka pa. Wala pang isang linggo, panis na yung gatas para sa cereal (January 2013).

Nakakuha ka pa ng libreng poster ng mga overview ng mga bansang napuntahan ni Rizal! Astig ang guard ng NCCA (January 2013)! :D

Ang pinakamasayang seminar ng taon na ito ay ang Gamechangers Seminar (January 2013)!



Tomas Morato - ikaw na (January 2013)!

Yung antok na antok ka pero may pasok pa rin sa NSTP2... (March 2013)

Tambay-tambay din kayo sa Page 1620 para pag-aralan ang long test sa Scie102 HABANG nanonood ng... Minute to Win It (March 2013)!

Wala, may rainbow lang naman (March 2013).

Ang cute ng Pretzel, kamukha ni Nessie the Loch Ness Monster. Bangag yata ako nito (March 2013).

Um, Kuya, bawal po ang texting while driving kasi madidisgrasya po tayo... (November 2012)

Kanino bang tarp yang nandyan sa labas? Mayabang eh (October 2012)!

Book tree sa library (December 2012)!!!

Desk ko lang naman sa Fil101 (January 2013).

HALA KA NASIRA (January 2013)!!!

Trip namin ni Alain dito... (March 2013)

Sa wakas, may picture na rin ako kasama yung mascot ng Maui and Sons (December 2012)!

When the water gets high above your head

I haven't been writing, though I think I should lest I lose the drive to want to. I don't know if you feel that way sometimes. When you do things because you have to in order for you to want to. I feel like that most of the time, especially when it comes to writing. It's frustrating having to feel this way about such mundane matters because it would often come off as an excuse until eventually, I'd grow uninterested altogether. I don't know if this makes much sense to you. But, I've thought about this just now, and the idea seemed right when I wrote it down. I feel that I have to keep thinking like this so I will be inspired, so I cannot be broken down into a hopeless and desperate fragment of a molecule.

It's March today. I feel an overwhelming relief rushing through me that finally - it's here, that the worst February of my life has come to an end. Things have been really bad lately. Been spiraling out of control, and I'm afraid I can't patch this one back up. No cure, no way out. Less than a month and sooner or later, summer will once again be knocking at my door, ready to catapult me into yet another adventure.

I spent a time of my day skimming through long-lost photos of Summer '11 - the great seasonal escapade, the forgotten story, the best one I had. Now more than ever, I miss everything that represents that summer: the Oxygen scent whiffing past newly-painted classroom walls, the mixture of sweat and perfume on body protectors and floor mats, the morning sun beating down on my face as I backfloat on the swimming pool, the sound of Latin music on an eight-year old keyboard.

The song that gave me the summer feels today was Hard Enough by Brandon Flowers. I remember listening to it last year just before graduation practices began, and becoming completely at ease with it, completely one with it. And those were the tough days, when I just wanted to leave high school behind, just turn the damn place upside-down because there was nothing more in it for me. It was hard enough for me, not wanting to get up in the morning and see all these people that I hate and who hate me in return. I don't miss that feeling. I don't miss those moments.

Yet, when I think about last year, and I think about that song, and all the elements that force me to unearth the nostalgia that binds them together, I can't help feeling as though everything is going to be all right after all. And that I don't have to be anxious anymore, or angry, or sad. Because, I got though that period. I got through those days. And I shall crawl out of them again if I have to.

Let's not let time's bitter flood rise before my thoughts begin to run. I think I'm getting older now. 

- Brandon Flowers (Hard Enough) 

Season's greetings from the best

Found this on my Twitter timeline this evening - call it my inspiration to, once again, indulge in a blogging binge. Promos like these need to be shared! So here you go. To your family and mine, from the very bests. I hope it makes you smile as it did me.

Merry Christmas, luvvy. Stay beautiful.

xoxo

Nasaan ka na?

Late, rainy night. Coffee and sad songs. Hindi kulang, hindi sobra; perfect mix.

Dati, tuwing mayroon akong sentiments, naisusulat ko ito sa mahiwagang journal, balot ng kamao ang mahiwagang roller pen. Sa ganitong paraan ako nakapag-re-release - lahat ng emosyon, kirot, inspirasyon, naipapasa sa papel. Pero ngayon, para bang hindi ko na ito magawa. Parang ang dami pang mas importanteng (o di kaya, pa-importanteng?) gawain na kailangan kong tapusin kahit ayaw ko. Miss ko na nga eh. Miss ko na iyong mga bagay na parte ng normal na pagdaloy ng buhay ko ngunit hindi ko na magawa.

Ngayon, mag-aala-una, at maaga pa ang pasok ko bukas. Plano kong mag-AWOL, ala-fugitive sapagkat minsan lang ako magiging bata. Minsan, parang hindi ko ito naiintindihan; tila sadyang dumudulas ang kaisipang ito mula sa diwa ko, pinaggigitgitan na hindi ko ito kailangang malaman. Well, ngayon maaari ko nang sabihin na normal sa bata ang unahin ang wants bago ang needs.

Tanging computer ang kaharap. Nakikinig sa malulungkot na musika, partikular Big Eyes na naman. Ka-chat si *Dorothy*, isang bagay na nakatatawang isipin dahil ito na ang pangalawang beses na naikonekta ko sa kanya ang kantang ito. Ang pinagkaiba lang ay, ngayon, hindi na ako nag-iisa sa pakikinig. Parang ang lungkot, parang ang saya.

Parang marami pa akong gustong isulat. Pero nawala ang lahat nang pindutin ko ang "New Post" button.

Matulog ka na, Dorothy, at kailangan mo pang puntahan ang Wizard of Oz gamit ang iyong magical red shoes.

Mahaba pa ang daang tatahakin mo.

Reunion, "The Reunion"

Ang Powerpuff Girls!

Sabado. Naghihintay sa labas ng movie theater, sa ilalim ng malaki at maliwanag na numero uno. Hawak ang dalawang ticket pass sa pelikulang The Reunion.

2:15 PM.

2:15 nga ba? Hindi ko matukoy ang eksaktong oras sapagkat sira na nga ang relos ko, naiwan ko pa sa bahay ang cellphone ko. Kaya naman hindi ko rin ma-text ang inaantay ko.

Pabalik-balik sa ticket booth. Baka nandoon. Wala. Babalik sa escalator.

2:20 PM.

Nakatingin sa escalator. Sina-scan kung paakyat na siya. Ngunit dahil 3-day sale, p0teK - ang daming taong umaakyat - nakakahilo. Babalik sa ticket booth. Babalik sa escalator.

Pasalubong ang babaeng naka-itim at nakasalamin. Magtitilian kami nang sandali. Dali-daling papasok sa loob ng cinema, kung saan kami hinihintay ni Bet.

Reunion with Mareng! :-D

---------------------------------------

So fitting na The Reunion pa ang pinanood namin. Tungkol nga pala ito sa apat na magkakaibigan - astig noon sa high school, lagpak na ngayon sa buhay. Kaya pilit nilang wawasakin ang chain ng kamalasan - iyon bang base ng "connect-the-dots" sa mga buhay nila. At, magsisimula ang pagsisisi sa paghahanap sa kanilang mga ex-girlfriends noong high school.

Plano naming kumain pagkatapos manood. McDo sana, kaya lang sobrang puno. Kaya nag-take-out kami, sa food court nalang kakain.

Sa food court. Hindi pa kami nakaupo, isa agad sa mga staff(?) ang nag-approach sa amin. "Miss, next time, kung saan niyo iyan binili, doon niyo kainin. At pagkatapos niyo kumain, i-plastik ninyo."

Ngayon ko lang narinig 'yun ah. Malamang sa malamang, Ate, hindi na kami mag-aabala pang bitbitin ang mga pagkain namin pababa sa food court kung meron namang mga upuan sa McDo.

Pagkatapos ng mahaba-habang usapan sa food court - at nang matapos din ang milk tea (hindi nagsawa sa pagkain), umuwi na kami. Umuulan ng malakas. Tumawid pa kami... sa baha! At sumakay sa jeep kung saan nag-iinit ang ulo ng driver.

Pasahero (nagtetext): Bayad po.
Driver: *nagbubusina, may sinisigawan*
Pasahero (nagtetext pa rin): Bayad po.
Driver: *nagbubusina, may sinisigawan pa rin*
Pasahero (natigil sa pagtetext): Bayad po!
Driver: SANDALI LANG SIR RELAX LANG KAYO SA BAYAD! DI NAMAN TATAKBO 'YAN EH!
Pasahero: Eh kanina pa eh!
Driver: Kita mong nagtatawag ako ng pasahero!
Pasahero: Eh pinapaabot eh!
Driver: 6@60 KA BA?!

Nakauwi rin naman kaming tatlo nang buhay. Akala ko mamamatay na ako sa sobrang bilis ng takbo ng jeep. Ang hirap talaga kung mainit na nga ang ulo ng driver, gabi at umuulan pa ng malakas.

Gayunpaman, masaya ang nakalipas na Sabado. Nakakatuwa na nagkasamasama ulit kaming tatlo nina Bet at Mareng. Walang pagbabago. Ang sarap talagang makasama ang mga mahal mo sa buhay. :-)

Of old friends (and self-justification)

... [her] birthday yesterday. Am I such a bad friend for falling asleep that I never bothered going online to greet her? Was I so shallow when I didn't plan to call her because she never greeted me on my birthday? Because I know that she’ll say she has other things to do? That’s just the thing. She just has so much to do. Go ahead and call me bitter or mean. Or a faker, even. She is my best friend, actually. The only one who really understood where I was coming from. It sucks that we don’t talk much these days. I know the deal: there just isn't anything to talk about. I know I shouldn't blame anything on her because she has her own plans, her own issues - all these other endeavors. But… it’s sad not having her around. And I really fucking miss her. I just hope she’s not forgetting about me.

~ from 8/18/11

I never got to write about my long conversation on the phone with Charet last Saturday. I was the caller - mainly picked up the phone to tell her about the good news that has befallen me recently, and in which, I must interject, she played a vital role. We ended up talking about various other things, like our high school "love lives", which both ceased to exist before they even took form. We talked about college, and how it doesn't seem much of a big deal anymore that we never got into the schools that we dreamed of. Now that's something amazing because up until last Saturday, we had been talking about high school. And although we went to different schools then, the conversations were nonchalantly fun.

We're in college now, still in different schools. Yet, talking to her is still a hilarity, like she hasn't changed a bit. I like that about her: the way that she can just carry the conversation from one form to another without wearing out the receiving end, the way her affability remains constant even amidst self-deprecation and loneliness. Perhaps, it's the way that every time we talk about things - even of the most nonsensical of the nostalgia - I know that she'll forever be my friend.

It's a pity that I worry about myself. I'm afraid that if we all meet again, when I return and present myself, I would be a much different person: more serious, more pragmatic, more despicable. And, I know that I have harshly changed from the person that I was five, four, or even two years ago. They say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I am stronger, and, more than anything, I am bitter. I used to carry those changes next to the chip on my shoulder, could hear it along with the John Rzeznik song, "And how could the world want me to change? They're the ones that stay the same". But I am just about comprehending the wrongs of it: I don't want to be the one that had a lot to change. You have no idea how hard it is for me to write this one.

Things that I miss

Because of its nonexistent air time in my country and because of my option to stay at a dorm, I have been missing RAW and SmackDown! a whole lot. So I went to check out what has been going on in the Universe and this commercial greeted me at the WWE homepage. I found it rather amusing. I wish I can have the time to see more of this.

Here are other videos that put a smile on my face today:

current mood: rushed

Buhay boarder - prologue

Nakakubli sa sulok ng dormitoryo, nagsusulat. Pawang nalulungkot na naiinis. Maganda sana ang espasyo kung hindi lamang madaling bumaha ang banyo. Ganito ang buhay boarder.

Katatapos ko lang mag-aral, ngunit pakiramdam ko'y hindi naman ako nabusog sa impormasyon na ipinilit kong isiksik sa isipan ko.

Nais kong yumakap at mag-"good night" pero hindi ko ito magawa. Nais kong lumabas at tignan kung naririto rin ba ang mga mukhang aking hinahanaphanap.

Nararamdaman kong magiging mahaba ang linggong ito.