I haven't been writing, though I think I should lest I lose the drive to want to. I don't know if you feel that way sometimes. When you do things because you have to
in order for you to want to. I feel like that most of the time, especially when it comes to writing. It's frustrating having to feel this way about such mundane matters because it would often come off as an excuse until eventually, I'd grow uninterested altogether. I don't know if this makes much sense to you. But, I've thought about this just now, and the idea seemed right when I wrote it down. I feel that I have to keep thinking like this so I will be inspired, so I cannot be broken down into a hopeless and desperate fragment of a molecule.
It's March today. I feel an overwhelming relief rushing through me that finally - it's here, that the worst February of my life has come to an end. Things have been really bad lately. Been spiraling out of control, and I'm afraid I can't patch this one back up. No cure, no way out. Less than a month and sooner or later, summer will once again be knocking at my door, ready to catapult me into yet another adventure.
I spent a time of my day skimming through long-lost photos of Summer '11 - the great seasonal escapade, the forgotten story, the best one I had. Now more than ever, I miss everything that represents that summer: the Oxygen scent whiffing past newly-painted classroom walls, the mixture of sweat and perfume on body protectors and floor mats, the morning sun beating down on my face as I backfloat on the swimming pool, the sound of Latin music on an eight-year old keyboard.
The song that gave me the summer feels today was
Hard Enough by Brandon Flowers. I remember listening to it last year just before graduation practices began, and becoming completely at ease with it, completely one with it. And those were the tough days, when I just wanted to leave high school behind, just turn the damn place upside-down because there was nothing more in it for me. It was hard enough for me, not wanting to get up in the morning and see all these people that I hate and who hate me in return. I don't miss that feeling. I don't miss those moments.
Yet, when I think about last year, and I think about that song, and all the elements that force me to unearth the nostalgia that binds them together, I can't help feeling as though everything is going to be all right after all. And that I don't have to be anxious anymore, or angry, or sad. Because, I got though that period. I got through those days. And I shall crawl out of them again if I have to.
Let's not let time's bitter flood rise before my thoughts begin to run. I think I'm getting older now.
- Brandon Flowers (Hard Enough)
