Don't think about tomorrow part 2

Alas-4 ng hapon. Sa Unibersidad. Ang patak ng ulan ay pagdabog ng mga paa sa tansong bubong. Sabog ang Wembley Song mula sa sirang earphones; bumabalot ang mga salita pati sa labas ng tainga - dumideretso sa heart.

Halos limang oras na sa silid-aklatan: iniisip kung lumalago ba ang aking mga kaalaman. Kung, ayos lang ba na huwag nalang munang asikasuhin ang mga dapat asikasuhin. Kung, tama bang pabayaan muna ang mga bagay o mga tao na gusto kong tulungan.

Ewan. Basta.

Ayos lang ako.

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Pineapple juice ng Jollibee. Egg McMuffin. Computer shop nang sobrang aga/sobrang gabi. MS Publisher. Nagmamadaling takong sa bato-batong daan. Loading station. Bangus ng Mang Inasal. Kape. Laundry. Takbo rin sa gym ng kolehiyo para hindi ma-late sa Social Dance. Kaunting street food. Kahit ang karimarimarim na amoy na umaalingasaw mula Bayleaf hanggang dorm. Puro ganyan.

Parang masarap yatang balikan ang pinanggalingan ng mga gunitang ito.

Balita ko kasi, wala nang trapik.

Don't think about tomorrow

"Once last summer I was coming home from Fort Stockton. I parked the car out at the sandhills, and walked a far way from the road, so that I didn't see the lights anymore. The moon wasn't bright  it seemed to say, I'm tired, I'll shine some other night. But the sky was like cloth, close enough to touch. I sat there, kind of burrowed down in the sand, and I just knew, for that little while, that I was part of - of everything. That if I put my hand out what it touched was far away from Basin, far away from my whole life right now. I realized, if I just hold on, I'll find out what I'm supposed to do."

- Walking Dunes by Sandra Scofield, p. 188

I saw the vast expanse of the ocean glitter under the eternal skyline, the self-luminous planetary bodies of heaven and the night lights from edifices reflected on its waters - a steady reminder of how beautiful humanities can be. Debris has lined the shores of the ocean, but in the distance, it is nothing short of scenic beauty. For a while, there was a sweeping feeling of tranquility pressing unto my soul that all worries and apprehensions had seemingly subsided. This is South Harbor at the dead of night.

It was just the thing that I needed to view; a sign, perhaps, the one that we often ask for when we feel lost. It was sheer serenity, one that I haven't felt in a long time. Never had I felt so homely and safe than I ever did tonight. Never mind the lateness of the hour, or these things that I am obliged to do tomorrow - never mind those things that keep a a tight knot in my stomach. It's a slaughterhouse; discombobulation at its finest. But then, there it is. And I get sucked into a round of gratitude and comfort.

Tomorrow will be what it is: the future. Vague, incomprehensible; luminous, nerve-wrecking. Everything else is here. Everything else is divine. Everything else is worth it.

The first time ever I saw your face

For my Hum1 assignment, I created this mosaic made entirely out of plastic strips. I call it "Big Eyes" after the Bouncing Souls song, which lyrics seem apt to me more than ever. I view this art as an expression of confusion, uncertainty; dubiousness. I had initially thought that coming to Manila everyday would suit my fancy, yet what I have perceived has not satiated my expectations. What I have witnessed so far has left me sad, even a little angry.

This is the first time in my life that I've had a liking for someone so much so that I can call him my "inspiration". I used to disregard that kind of crap, for I simply never believed in it. But here is this guy who is living proof that an infatuation can actually lead to motivation. For some days now, I've been finding myself striving to do well in class because of his genius, which, for the most part, has surpassed our professors' demands. Relatively, the guy is, well, brilliant.

It is sad for me to realize that that feeling of inspiration has expired today because I lost. No chance in hell. I am not envious, never. But I feel dejected for losing that drive. For being keenly interested, but for being indifferent now. For not being able to summon any other sensible topic to write about other than this. I feel silly thinking about it. A month has barely passed after all.

Today, I lost an inspiration, not to someone, as I like to believe it. But I lost it only to myself, whose perspective sporadically and drastically alters. No harm in that.

Feelings suck.

You left home for the first time when you were seventeen

Searching for a life, beginning a new dream

Drove the car all night to learn your way around

Feeling so alone in the parking lot downtown

You had your love to give, so much life to live

Hey little girl, don't look so sad

It's not the end of the world

Seen this film before

Already know the ending

Some of the faces change, but the plot it stays the same

Take my hand

Let's walk away

What did those big eyes see

A world where nothing's free

Your innocent beauty, slipping quietly

With every turn you found no one to understand

Why would you feel so down, no one to really see

What a woman you could be

Hey little girl, don't look so sad

It's not the end of the world

Seen this film before

Already know the ending

Some of the faces change, but the plot it stays the same

You gave your heart

Every moment when no one can

They made you small

They couldn't make you fall

Hey little girl

Hey, hey little girl

Hey little girl

Hey little girl, don't look so sad

It's not the end of the world

Seen this film before

Already know the ending

Some of the faces change, but the plot it stays the same

So take my hand

Take my hand

So take my hand

Let's walk away