Don't think about tomorrow - tape 2

I walked all the way from the GT Toyota Center at UP to Technohub just to kill time. Call it a deviation from the unpleasant to make sense of things. It's Friday after all, and I don't believe that there should be anything to be done on a Friday night, let alone anything that wants to get done.

I've been trying to loosen up, this week most frequently. Just trying to feel how things are like when they are not so cramped up within the tiny lobes of my brain, or when I could not feel the slightest tinge of fear run down my nerves anymore. Maybe then, things will not be so bad.

So UP.

I have this volume of Childcraft encyclopedias, which delighted me as a child. I never read them. At that time, I couldn't yet. I was drawn first to the pictures. I'm talking about 80's to early 90's Childcraft: definitely not new photos now, but not completely old either. I loved those photos. I still do. I especially loved pictures of houses in forests, countrysides, hills, and what people do in them. They're all so simple, yet whenever I look at them, I wanted so badly to be in those pictures - in that exact situation, at that exact time frame. It was magical to me.

This afternoon, UP and its expanse of land - the shadows of branches on red bricks, the rustle of leaves in tune with the cold whistle of the monsoon, the range of woods beyond every lamppost - all laid out those photos in front of me, displayed them within my reach as though they were real, alive. I was living in them.

The sun is setting.

I had wondered before how things would be had I been allowed to take the test in UP, and had I passed. I realize now that that doesn't matter. Fact is: I don't know, and I will never know because it never really was a dream. I could never really transform it into one, try as I might. I feel at ease knowing that this is the only perspective in which I shall see UP. Best that I not ruin the illusion that I have of it as I had destroyed my previous dreams.

I was there this afternoon, just walking, taking in the reality of being there, and yet never actually making it. I felt magnified by time, scooped up by its hand, cupped into a feeling of security. It's okay, it seemed to say. Everything will be all right.

I'm okay.

It got dark eventually. The lampposts could only give ample light for writing, but I wanted to stay. I just wanted to be there. It was exactly childhood, that simple and that real. That beautiful and breathtaking memory of childhood to which I could never serve justice. I want to return to it, to be coupled by the greenness of being a child. I'd live there forever, I swear to god, if I could. I'd give anything to have it back.

It would take me an hour to find my way out.

So was I once myself a swinger of birches.
And so I dream of going back to be.
It's when I'm weary of considerations,
And life is too much like a pathless wood
Where your face burns and tickles with the cobwebs
Broken across it, and one eye is weeping
From a twig's having lashed across it open.
I'd like to get away from earth awhile
And then come back to it and begin over.

- Robert Frost

2012-2013 - Mga nawawalang litrato

Awww, practice na sa graduation. Nakakalungkot namang lumakad pauwi sa dorm na umaalingawngaw ang "We are the men from Old Letran" sa bawat padyak ng paa mo (March 2013).

Yun ang masarap!

Yung bumibili ka lang naman talaga ng dalawang large fries sa McDo para makagawa ka ng ganito (January 2013).

Bumili ka pa ng Koko Krunch cereal kasi may free CD ng larong Hot Wheels. Tapos, isang beses mo lang lalaruin yun sa computer, talo ka pa. Wala pang isang linggo, panis na yung gatas para sa cereal (January 2013).

Nakakuha ka pa ng libreng poster ng mga overview ng mga bansang napuntahan ni Rizal! Astig ang guard ng NCCA (January 2013)! :D

Ang pinakamasayang seminar ng taon na ito ay ang Gamechangers Seminar (January 2013)!



Tomas Morato - ikaw na (January 2013)!

Yung antok na antok ka pero may pasok pa rin sa NSTP2... (March 2013)

Tambay-tambay din kayo sa Page 1620 para pag-aralan ang long test sa Scie102 HABANG nanonood ng... Minute to Win It (March 2013)!

Wala, may rainbow lang naman (March 2013).

Ang cute ng Pretzel, kamukha ni Nessie the Loch Ness Monster. Bangag yata ako nito (March 2013).

Um, Kuya, bawal po ang texting while driving kasi madidisgrasya po tayo... (November 2012)

Kanino bang tarp yang nandyan sa labas? Mayabang eh (October 2012)!

Book tree sa library (December 2012)!!!

Desk ko lang naman sa Fil101 (January 2013).

HALA KA NASIRA (January 2013)!!!

Trip namin ni Alain dito... (March 2013)

Sa wakas, may picture na rin ako kasama yung mascot ng Maui and Sons (December 2012)!

Isang gabing tayuan Episode 2

Ang pamagat ng entry na ito ay ang literal ng salin sa Filipino ng idyomang "one night stand", na kung uulit-ulitin mong babasahin sa iyong isip ay wala namang sense sapagkat, una sa lahat, hindi naman maaaring isalin ang buong kahulugan ng "one night stand" sa makabuluhang salitang Filipino. At pangalawa, wala namang kinalaman sa one night stand ang blog entry na ito.

Ngunit, bilang pintuho sa unang entry ng blog na ito, na nagkekwento ng unang tapak ko sa kolehiyo, napagtanto kong marapat lang itong bigyan ng Part 2. Kumbaga, epilogue. O, 'di kaya isang Curtain Call upang parangalan ang mahabang daan na tinahak ko sa unang taon ko bilang kolehiyala. At kung bakit "isang gabing tayuan", marahil siguro'y ito ang ipinagpapalagay ko na pakiramdam ng dalawang taong sangkot sa di-inaasahang pagtatalik: sa una'y nakakatakot, magulo, malungkot, at tila mali. Ngunit sa katagalan, ito pala'y masaya, kasabik-sabik, at kung inyong mamarapatin - masarap.

Dumalo ako sa huling pagdiriwang ng kolehiyo para sa school-year na ito. Sa ganitong okasyon napaparangalan ang mga estudyante ng IComm na nagbigay-dangal sa kolehiyo nitong nakaraang taon. At para sa ikatlo kong pagpasok sa Dusit Thani Hotel nang hindi nagche-check-in, balot ako ng isang lace gown (na ayon sa motif) na hindi ko pinili, at nagmistulang kontrabida na madalas matatagpuan sa mga komiks. He he.

Mabuhay tayong mga putagenics!

Dito na kami naluklok sa Table 40. Ito 'yung table ng mga naubusan ng upuan. Katabi namin ang stage kaya kahit isa sa mga OBB/AVP, wala kaming napanood. Pagpasensiyahan nalang ang mga litrato; karamihan sa mga ito ay kinuha lamang gamit ang cell phone, at hindi sa akin.

Sa buffet table, ako ay pinaringgan ng isang grupo ng mga babae na "kanina pa pala nakapila" ngunit hindi ko napansin kaya ako nag-overtake. Apparently, ganoon sila ka-gutom. Wala naman akong problemang paunahin ang mga ito sapagkat hindi naman ako sabik na humakot ng pagkain. Nakakagulat lang na bagamat "First Class" ang tema ng pagdiriwang ay natagpuan ko pa rin ang aking sarili na nagmumuni-muni kung papaano nakapasok ang grupong iyon na tila wala namang ka-class-class. Ha! Ha! Akala ko ay nasira na ang gabi ko, pero mali ako.

photo credits to Letran Media Center Photography

photo credits to Letran Media Center Photography

Nakatanggap ako ng dalawang Knights ('yan ang tawag namin sa trophy!). Ako ang tinaguriang Outstanding Journalism Freshman of the Year - akalain mo 'yun? Naaalala ko tuloy ang nakaraang Marso, noong namamaalam na sa aming pangkat ang paborito kong guro noong hayskul. Sa kanyang talumpati, nabanggit niya na, "You will not always get what you want. But you will always get what you deserve". At hindi ko alam kung bakit pakiramdam ko noon ay ako ang kanyang pinariringgan. Basta, napuno ako ng guilt at kaunting hiya, dahil kung susuriin ko, hindi ko man lang naisip kung ako nga ba'y karapat-dapat; basta't alam ko kung ano ang gusto ko. Pakiramdam ko noon ay ang tanga-tanga ko na hindi ko naisip iyon ni minsan. Hindi pa nga sapat. Para niya akong sinampal upang mapukaw sa isang tapat at nakakahiyang realidad.

Kagabi ko lang natutunan kung ano ang sapat, at kung hanggang saan ang abot ng aking mga kapabilidad na ibigay ang hinihingi sa akin, at kung kailan ito nagiging mahusay. Noon lamang nang ako'y muling tinawag sa entablado upang tanggapin ang Knight na naisip ko na ang lahat ng desisyon, tiyaga, mga gabing walang tulog (pito lahat), pag-aalala at kung anu-ano pa ay bumubuo na sa aking harapan, tila uminog sa sandaling iyon. At napansin ko rin ang linya na humihiwalay sa kung ano ang gusto ko at kung ano ang deserved ko. Isa siyang maganda at pinong linya, at masaya akong naroon iyon. Everything pays off. Everything paid off.



Nagmistulang props nalang din ang mga Knights. Puros pikturan nalang nang lumalim ang gabi.

Nakatanggap itong si Alain ng Knight for Community Service! Naks. Lahat ng pinapaguran ng batang ito ay waging-wagi!

Masasabi kong kamukha ni Kevin si Fandango, na isa rin sa mga rason kung bakit nagpakuha ako ng litrato kasama niya! Astig - kahit basketball player 'to, wrestling superstar and kamukha. Ha ha! Gusto ko nang makitang lumaban si Faaahhhn-daaaahhhng-goooohh

Ang nagmistulang bride and groom!

Malakas na tawanan kasama sina Eunice at Krystel. Sobrang enjoy kasama ang mga ka-block ko noon sa Comm1A. At dahil sabay-sabay naming nilisan ang silid upang mag-"class picture" sa lobby, napagalitan pa kami ng usher!

PERO SOBRANG SAYA. Hindi ko na ma-emphasize pa, basta't ganoon ang mood buong gabi hanggang mag-umaga.

.........

Bago ko lisanin ang isang gabing tayuang ito, gusto kong mag-iwan ng isang "motivational quote", kung matatawag niyo siyang ganun. Galing pa ito sa napakagaling na si Rancho (mula sa paborito kong pelikulang 3 Idiots):

Pursue excellence, and success will follow, pants down.

Tamang-tama.

It was a good night.

Ewan ko ba. Bangag ang nagsulat nito.

On Leaving

Normally, when the school year reaches its most climactic moments, I tend to be happy without even trying. But, that doesn't happen this time. There's something wrong with this picture. There's just an overwhelming sense of grief over the fact that all is finished. It's as though there's never enough time to compensate for all the things that I want to say. I'm leaving, and I feel that I have left something behind, or lost it - that one irretrievable thing that only really seems to matter to me. This makes me sad. Reminds me of the Pokemon trading card that I had as a kid. It was a Jigglypuff. And from the time it was handed down to me, I grasped the privilege to take it with me every day, anywhere, to show off to the other kids in the neighborhood.

Then one day, we all went to this restaurant - the really fancy one with the fountain and fish pond. All I had to do was to keep the card in my pocket. Would have saved me the anxiety later on. But no, instead, I leaned too close into the glass overlooking the pond that eventually, I dropped the trading card into the still waters below. I just stood there, this little kid of five or six, trying to determine all the possible ways for me to come down and get it without causing a raucous. Nothing could have been done. There was, at that early part of my life, that feeling of hopelessness, plunging down at me. Even that night, when I went to bed, I was still thinking about that card and how sad it was that I could have had taken it home with me. But then I was too small to take matters into my own hands, too small to try. Hopelessness, exactly. That's what I feel right now. Not a good feeling.

The reason why Alain and I were at the gym the full hour last Wednesday is quite ridiculous when I look at it now: we just didn't feel like going home then. It was just after this grueling practical exam in PE2 when I felt that sudden wave of grief rush through me - that alas!, the last class for the semester had finally concluded. I was thinking of those things that I would have regretted and the things that made me feel good that day. Then I was thinking that it's finally over, the long and winding first year at college that never seemed to end.

There is an ominous foretelling of the future, one that neither Alain nor I could see. One of us is going to get in, I'm sure of it. And I am more than certain that it isn't going to be me. I wish it were me, but that's never going to happen because someone deserves it more than I do. We sat there on the bleachers, just talking about what we plan to do with our lives after all this, and about the people that we've met and will most probably miss, and all the good things and bad things, all the while trying to refrain from the very topic that terrify us.



It was a sad day. But when I think about it, that was the best sad day. Because, I was thinking nonstop and was just trying to figure things out for the sake of friendship. Will we ever get out? And if we do, will we ever see each other again?

I don't think I can do much justice for last Wednesday, the beauty of it, or lack thereof. The sound of sneakers thudding on the gymnasium floor. The unease of having to wear a dress for PE class. Waiting for six o' clock before we decide to leave, the lights closing down on us, the short walk to the dormitory. There's so much heaviness and confusion in everything. It wasn't happy. It was sad. It was the best sad day.