Ang pinakamalaking sayang

This is going to be a vague entry. And unless you are Bet or Alain, you will most likely have to decipher what I am going to blab about.

Going to Intramuros yesterday at 5 PM was the best decision I made that day. I was there to alleviate the pain of having spent an extremely bad day at the places that I thought would bring me hope. Yet, I now bear the literal scars to prove my battle with the odds that were more than certain wouldn't be in my favor. I lost again. I was wrong. How very, very stupid I felt.

I found myself in the jeepney, veering out. Ikot. I was going in circles, viewing these massive hectares of land and grass and trees that bring only the freshest aroma of crushed spirit. As though I was forced to bid it all farewell, to look one last time at the view that will never be, obstructed by one's own foolishness and complacency. It felt shitty - the hurting that came to me afterwards. The idea of getting close enough to win at life. That's the sad part. Being there and watching it slip away. Made me wonder what's even fair anymore. Or what's even worth it anymore. I ended up feeling bad for myself. So bad that I actually cried in the FX hearing the song with the lyrics, "Kahit mahal kita/ wala akong magagawa/ tanggap ko 'to, aking sinta/ pangarap lang kita". I didn't even care if that's a love song. The lyrics were just spot on.

Then I strove under the heat of the sun. Waited for half an hour - only to be snubbed by the authority that mattered the most. It made me wonder why I even wanted it. Was it just a self-worth thing? Why? Oh but I had to leave, didn't I? I had to get out! I had to squeeze myself in the line of other desperate people looking for a shot because I really thought that I wouldn't be satisfied unless I did it and made it!

I had felt so close, close enough that I could taste it. Thought that, finally, here is a real shot for me to turn over all the wrongs of my life. It was there - right in front of me! I had it yet I lost it - again! Felt it vanish right after it had slapped me across the face. I was suddenly angry. Very angry, thinking that I was the biggest and most undeserving waste of skin in the planet against whom the fates have conspired.

That was when I slipped on my way out. Caught myself on one knee, and then stayed genuflected there in the puddle of mud for a good five seconds, my ass handed back to me. That's how I got the scars. Some of the skin ripped out of three fingers. The hips and the arms that ache tremendously now as I write this. The pants that were soiled at the knee.

That's how I got to Intramuros at 5 PM. To relieve myself not of the physical pain, but of the emotional hurting that came with it. Nothing is more difficult to heal than just that. All I wanted was a second chance. But not me, right? I can't have that, no! Well, I presently stand before you, a hollow shell of a human being, deprived of all hopes, dreams, future, and everything else that relate to this package.

I'm sad.

I just can't believe that after all this, I still don't deserve anything.