Hey boy

I really appreciate the way you danced


to that Elvis song tonight.


No boy has ever danced that way in front of me before.


Pretty easy now when we're close


friends. Aren't we?


To dance that way you did tonight.


Christmas jingles and comic books


in a place exploding with the smell of new books.


What could be more romantic?


Except


You feel that way about me.


But Elvis, Trese, and the Justice League know


that I don't feel the same


about you.

Empty warfare

Today, a challenge: talk to Jesus. Tell him about your day. Tell him how you felt the moment you woke up. Tell him how you feel this instant.

Abrupt silence has emptied the crowded room.

My thoughts ramble into a botched version of prayer, communicating itself to someone I once thought I knew. It's been a while. I try.

I can't.

Not when my eyes, sore from lack of sleep, is witness to a dozen others who, with eyes shut tight, palms pressed together in prayer, are narrating their own day to the same "Jesus" I am trying to talk to.

Today, a horror show: the museum from the past year, lined with shelves of books about the dictator and his martial law. Ghosts of martyrs cry out from within the photographs; faces of the past. Names flash from every news clipping, or engraved in every stone.

Forget the faces, forget the names. But not the cries. For god's sake, not the cries.

Fact: My name under the headline. A colored picture of the dictator's wife next to it.

Yesterday, a war: my bedroom door locked to the sounds of fists pummeling flesh, voices elevated to curses; to questions and answers, to arguments and reasons. To anger. To fear and hate and helplessness.

A glass shatters -- the one I used to fancy as a child. The one that holds the memory of every face I have ever worn growing up. I walked into the kitchen this afternoon, forgetting about the broken glass. The yellow walls, bare without it, caught me by the scruff of my neck. Panic crept it.

This is not home anymore.

Student Media Congress: mga pangyayari

Pila sa enrollment. Kawawa ka kung late ka dahil ubusan ng slots. Wala ka naman talagang choice kung nagcrash yung site.

Mascot ng Philippine Daily Inquirer. Naninigurado lang kung may prize kapag nagapakuha ng litrato. Wala po pala.

"You have the license to be curious."

Opinion writing ni John Nery. Dahil seryoso na ako sa pagsusulat ng balita at magtrabo sa pahayagan.

Si Jamie! Na ngayong lamang muli namin nakasalubong sa Manila.

"You either create change or accelerate change."

Television production ni Raz De La Torre. Dahil may libreng nood ng MMK hehe.

Iskolar nga pala ng John Robert Powers!

"Huwag mo nang hangaring maging ako. Mas okay ka."

Laptrip kasama nina Ramon Bautista at Jun Sabayton.

Yay daming freebies!

At muling pagtitipon kasama sina Charet at Sheela.

Kita-kita nalang sa susunod na kabanata.

Pighati't ligaya sa mundong biyaya

Nasaan na nga ba? | Mula sa exhibisyong "Illuminating Rod. Paras Perez" ng Ateneo Art Gallery

Tinanong ako kamakailan ng propesor ko sa FA 101 kung bakit ako nagsusulat - tanong para sa sagot na matagal ko nang nakaligtaan.

Ako ang tipo ng taong nagtatago pa rin ng kuwaderno kung saan ko naitatala ang mga saloobin kong personal. Sadyang makaluma siguro ako. O sadyang sentimental. O sadyang marami lamang mga bagay-bagay sa mundo na nais kong bigyang halaga ngunit nahihirapang ibahagi kanino man sa takot na hindi nila maiintindihan ang mga ito. Masasabi kong mahalaga sa akin ang makaalala.

Nais kong mabasa ang aking mga sulatin nang malaman ko kung papaano ako sumusulong hindi lamang bilang mag-aaral ng malikhaing pagsulat kundi pati na rin bilang isang taong pangkaraniwan. Sa isang banda, sa kay habang panahon, nakaligtaan ko ang lahat ng ito. Walang punto, walang bisa, walang halaga. Ngayon, malinaw kong natatanaw ang kasukdulan.

Ang blog entry na ito ang ika-100 na tala sa munti kong paraiso. At sa lahat ng entry na naipaskil ko, ito lamang ang nakaligtaan kong isulat muna sa kuwaderno. Nagbabago na nga marahil ang panahon. Ngayon, mahalaga na rin pati ang oras.

Sa araw na ito, nadayo ako sa Student Media Congress sa De La Salle University, kung saan natagpuan ko ang sarili kong nakikipagpatintero sa oras. Naging mahalaga ang bawat segundo sa isang araw na hindi ko inakalang magiging tampulan ng desisyon, pag-aalangan, at sentimentong pilit pa ring bumabagabag sa isipan ko.

Sa araw na ito, muli kaming nagkita nina Charet at Sheela, mga kababata at kamag-aral sa elementarya at hayskul. Bagaman hindi namin inaasahan ang pagtatagpong ito, sa munting pagkakataong ito ko muling nadiskubre na kay saya pa rin ng buhay sa gitna ng pighati. At sa munting kasayahang dulot nito, nangibabaw din ang kilalang lungkot upang mangahas sa ngiting tunay at dalisay.

Sa FX pag-uwi, sa gitna ng pagtakam sa take-out na McDo, at sa kabila ng pagsulyap ng isang pasaherong naiingayan sa mga halakhak ng mga mag-aaral, naging usapin ang mga problemang kinahaharap, at mga sentimentong hindi kailanman nailalahad sa mga kaibigan sa mga kolehiyong napasukan namin. Sa isang bandang hindi inaasahan, naging kalakip din ng aming muling patigtitipun-tipon ang usapin ng pangarap. Ilang taon na lamang at matatapos na ang lahat.

Lumaki na kaming apat sa mga paraan na hindi ko noon maisip. Sa tuwing nasusulyapan ko sina Charet at Sheela, bumabalik ako sa aming kabataan, na siyang nagmimistulang iba pang mundo sa sarili nito. Para bang isang dimensiyon na lamang ang mga buhay naming nakalipas. Naging higit na mahalaga ang kasalukuyan, ang sandali na iyon sa loob ng FX na para bang habambuhay tatakbo.

Malamang hindi niya ito mababasa ngunit nais kong makita si Charet bilang isang ganap na propesyonal; lider na tinitingala sa isang kompanya. Nais kong makita siyang masaya na higit pa sa sayang naibabahagi niya sa mga taong nasa paligid niya. Nais kong matagpuan niya ang tunay na minimithi ng puso niya at nang magtagumpay siya sa larangang ito. Nais kong ipagpatuloy niya ang mga pangarap niya nang walang pagtatanong, walang pangangamba, walang pagpapanggap. Alam kong mahirap at sadya pang hihirap. Ngunit sa pagkakakilala ko kay Charet, alam kong malalampasan niya ang pagsubok na ibinigay sa kanya nang walang humpay. Puro lamang pagmamahal ang maibibigay ko sa taong ito na, mula sa aming pagkabata, ang siya lamang nakababasa sa mga saloobing hindi ko naipahahayag.

Sa gitna ng malakas na pagbuhos ng ulan kung saan sweater lamang ang tanging silong, sa pagpatak ng alas-9 ng gabi, at sa paggulong ng jeep patungong hilaga, naging kalakip ng malugod na pagtatagpo ang malungkot na pamamaalam. Dama kong matagal-tagal muli bago ang sunod naming pagkikita.

Nagiging desisyon ang pagpili ng damit, ang makiupo sa mesa ng kamag-aral na hindi mo gaanong nakakausap, ang pagpunta nang maaga sa bulwagan upang makuhanan ng litrato ang artistang paborito, ang paghihintay sa mga kaibigang matagal mo nang hindi nakikita, at ang pakikisama at pakikiusap sa mga taong hindi mo lubusang naiintidahan.

Isang kakaibang paghimok ang humila sa akin na magsulat, at isulat partikular ang karanasan na hindi ko tuluyang maipaliwanag. Sa muli kong pagpasok sa blog na ilang buwan ko ring nilisan, naharap ako sa desisyong ipagpatuloy o hindi ang burador na kasalukuyan mong binabasa. Muli kong naitanong sa aking sarili kung papaano. At nang masagot ko ito, naitanong ko naman kung bakit.

At sa wakas, nang natapos ang ilang oras na pagmumunimuni, napagtanto kong kay lakas pala ng mga sandaling madalang dumating sa buhay nating kay iksi. Likas ang mga salita, tapat ang damdamin. Hindi lamang pala ang makaalala ang lubos na mabigat; higit pang mahalaga ang hindi paglimot.

Masaya. Malungkot.

Nagtitimpla lamang ang buhay.

---------

At para sa mga taong nalinlang ng blog entry na ito, na inaasahang magiging tungkol ito sa Student Media Congress ngunit walang nakuha mula sa pagbabasa nito, huwag kayong mag-alala: kapakipakinabang ang lahat.

On "Starter for Ten"

Starter for Ten by David Nicholls
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

There are a lot of reasons for me not to give this book a five. Yet in the end, it's the overwhelming weight of empathy that I have for most of its characters that prevailed.

It's incredible really, how important this book seems to me now, what with turning 19, and going to university, and trying to move forward from a point in your life while trying to compensate for old friends who assume that you're deliberately forgetting them, when you're not.

I agree with most reviews that while Brian is the awkward nerd, to which most of us would wish to relate, it is kind of difficult to root for him. But then I think that that's the point of his character. Evidently, he believes himself to be a self-deprecating prick, and at some point he had wanted to run away from that. But in trying to get ahead, he ends up making the wrong choices, and ultimately fails himself (and everybody else around him).

It's actually kind of sad what happens to Brian in the end. The last paragraph sent me goosebumps, especially when I realized that if I read the book over again, the entire story is only Brian's thoughts cycling around this period of his life - reliving it, as if his whole life stopped there.

Cheesy as it may sound, I could almost believe that there's an actual Brian Jackson in some corner of the world. Perhaps he's still confused or has yet to really get over the simple tragedies of life. Now I don't like Brian, but out of all the characters, it's him with whom I empathize the most. Every other element could only fall so perfectly into place. I think that's what got to me.

"Eat Me"

Sa paraisong sinapupunan nina Adan at Eba
na binalot pa ni Bathala sa gintong papel bago iniabot
Mahigpit ang kapit sa tangkay ng bulaklak na lanta
Nakikisayaw sa ihip ng hangin
nang hindi liparin at maglaho sa kawalan

Ikaw si Thumbelina na sadyang pinagtatangkahan
ng kalikasan
Ikaw si Alice na uminom mula sa bote sa mesa
Mag-isang tinutuklas kung papaano ba nagiging paraiso
ang latang guwang na binalot sa ginto
tanaw lamang mula sa susian ng pintong walang susi

Wala nang kinang

Kaunting tiis, munting dilag
Sa isang linggo
darating ang keyk

Eat Me

Kainin mo
nang muli kang lumaki

Si Nanay Tess

Nanay Tess was born on June 6, 1938 in Bacolod City. She is the second of four siblings. While she has remained single all her life, she rarely feels lonely; rather, she invests her spare time in various activities such as photography, collecting cards and photos, crocheting, gardening, reading the Bible and various other Christian texts, watching televison (usually telenovelas and Maalaala Mo Kaya), and playng Scrabbles.

She is a very pious woman, whose persona has been wholly committed to God. As a retired minister, Nanay Tess enjoys mingling with young adults, usually with women, with whom she converses about the Protestant ministry. In their meetings, Nanay Tess delights in bringing some of her favorite food: hard boiled eggs, arroz valenciana, dilis, squid, adobo, laswa, and her most preferred dessert, Graham icebox cake.

It was in the year 2007 when Nanay Tess was diagnosed with kidney failure, which eventually led to other organ malfunctions. Once, she had fallen victim to a heart attack, and has grown brittle and "very sick" since. Upon learning her condition, she claims to have had mixed reactions, usually that of fear, insecurity, and even anxiety.

In struggling with her condition, Nanay Tess was given a multitude of precautions, which were usually sets of "dont's". She was not allowed to carry heavy materials, nor indulge in strenuous activities that would stress her out. Her hi-fiber and low-fat intake was adjusted up a notch, which completely changed her diet. If there was one thing that Nanay Tess misses doing - something that she used to do then, but cannot do now because of her condition - she claims that it is going to Church every Sunday. She also reminisces cleaning her yard and washing clothes, which she can't even do now since she is mostly kept to rest inside her home.

The three things that make Nanay Tess happiest in her life right now points to three simple hobbies, all of which tie her to her spiritual roots: the first is serving the Lord, followed by reading the Bible, and praying. She is most concerned about herself, and which roles she holds in the world right now. She is also concerned about her sickness, which she claims to bother her terribly these days. Lastly, she is also concerned about money, which is presently on the mind of everyone that she knows and loves.

"Fighting spirits", she claims, is the biggest challenge that she ever had to overcome. Coming from a religious background, she means this to be fighting her demons, or fighting obstacles and temptations. Every time she gets to that point in her life when she feels suffocated by all the bad things, she always returns to her God, and her faith remains powerful.

In answering the question of which thing in her life she is most proud of, she does not refer to any of her achievements; instead, she talks about her friend, Helen of whom she is most proud for taking care of her 24/7, and for showing the most concern over her status from the day she was hospitalized up to the present. She regrets though, that she had not been careful about her health: that she would drink soft drinks even with an empty stomach and that she would not eat on time. She says that if she could go back in time, she would tell her past self to be careful on becoming a workaholic lest she unknowingly abuses her health. And that, if there was one thing to really tell her younger version, who did not go into a lot of romantic ventures, it would be to "love yourself".

When asked how she sees herself five years hence, Nanay Tess does not hope any longer for a life extension. Instead, she feels that, any day now, it would be time. She believes that when that time comes, everything else would "feel great", for she will be "in the Lord's Place". These days, she just winds down by telling herself to take good care of herself by looking after her health through self discipline or self control. Her faith undyingly and passionately burns as each day, she patiently waits for her Lord to escort her to His Kingdom.

---------------------

Isinulat ko ang piyesang ito noong nakaraang semestre para sa isang proyekto sa kursong Psy101. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit nakaligtaan ko itong ipaskil dito. Noon, may rason ako, ngunit hindi ko na maalala ngayon. Pakiramdam ko, malaki ang utang na loob ko, at kahit na ipagsigawan ko iyon dito ngayon, hindi pa rin sapat upang mahilom ang papawiring nagkalat ng pighati sa mundong ito.

Sumalangit na si Nanay Tess nitong Pebrero. "Goodnight" ang salitang huli niyang binigkas.

Maraming salamat, Nanay Tess. Walang nang iba pa. Maraming, maraming salamat po. Nasa piling ka na ng iyong Minamahal.